This being the 21^st mothers day after my mum’s suicide, I would have assumed I would be well over the grief from such a sudden loss.  The truth is I don’t think we ever get over such significant loss, and for that I am extremely grateful.  Because I have learnt that sometimes it’s the moments of death and loss that we experience, which can inspire our greatest experiences of life and living.

I know without a doubt my life would have taken a different course if it weren’t for my mum’s death so early in my journey.  In essence it was a catalyst to all that my life has become.  As I’ve said before, I’ve been blessed with 2 births from my mother; One in physical and the second upon her death birthing me into my spiritual journey.   I could go on for days about what I’ve learnt over the years pealing back layer after layer about the lessons and healing that occurred as I healed from her death.

What I find significant this year is something that just landed in the last month for me.  I had always felt this sense of depression in my life and experienced moments of despair and been suicidal myself.  You could say that I inherited that from my mum, which maybe on some level I did?

I’m not one to blame external circumstances for my vibrational state of being.  Knowing full well if it’s in me it’s my responsibility, so wherever it came from is i inconsequential, I suppose.   The thing I didn’t realize is that in me was this lack of safety.   This feeling that it’s not safe for me to be in this body.  That it’s not safe for me to be in this world.  That it’s not safe for me to be a man in this world.

And ultimately my mum dying justified that lack of safety.

At the time, I told that little boy in myself that to grow up.  Time to be an adult.  And I stuffed down his pain, hurt and grief to do what I needed to in order to make not only my life valuable but the life my mum lost valuable as well.  (Big responsibility for a little dude)  Granted my life went on quite a quest to untangle those over-responsibilities.

And still this lack of safety in my world and myself trickled through manifesting as suicidal tendencies, depression, despair, broken relationships, and financial instabilities.

Now 22 years later I have gained an insight to that fear that I have been allowing running havoc in my life for so long.  From this awareness, I feel like for the first time since my mum’s death I am finally able to be the man that I vowed to be as a 22 year old boy, hands clenched in rage, heart coiled in grief, and determination like no other.

You see it wasn’t about pushing and driving myself into a split, repressed, defensive state to justify life.  It was about embracing the wholeness of the experience, diving deep into the depth of pain and mining the wisdom scattered amongst the duality of life to stand on a firm knowing that we are innately safe by the nature of who we are, spiritual beings.

By not running but by sitting and untangling the twine of time until we can follow it back to the source of all that we are.

I guess what I’m waffling on about is how grateful I am for my mother’s life and what she inspired in me and now being a father myself.  How being able to give that love to myself has been critical in healing and being the father I know I can be to hold the fullness of my kids so they can become the women capable of the same depth of love in themselves ultimately rippling into their relationships as partners, friends, and mothers.

Hmmm.. a kind of beauty in the tragedy, in a way.  That the love my mother taught me, I had to hold in myself to be able to inspire it in my children and continue on sharing the life that ended to soon for my mum.

What a wild ride!  … Thanks mum