On the Northern Tour de Gong trip last week up to Byron Spirit Fest. I had a bit of road time to reflect. At one point I was trying to get to my gig for the evening, driving 110km/hr, struggling to eat my kale salad while talking on the phone. (hands free of course), all the while in the back of my mind wishing I could get on my computer to check bookings for the evening. I realised I’m still pushing myself too hard and juggling too many things.
Why? I asked myself.
‘It’s survival!’ a inner voice exclaimed. I am pushing myself and juggling everything to share the healing vibes, while building a successful business to survive in this hectic city.
Problem is the more I push the less life I live. And in fact the holding on of life creates a resistance to it.
I began to feel into this sense of urgency that has been lingering for years. That sense that I could die any day and end my life as unfulfilled and a failure. (as if it’s possible to fail life?)
Anyway, I sat with that idea for quite a few kilometers. I surgically removed the phone from my hand, stopped eating, turned the radio off, and really felt what that was all about.
Into a driving meditation/ inner dialogue I felt into the source of that urgency?
Beyond the need to share the healing, the need to be successful, beyond all the needs was this deep sense of survival which is ultimately linked to a fear of death.
A fear we are all confronted with by the simple fact of living. Something we often ignore or distract ourselves from. None of us are going to get out of life alive. We hold this deep fear of losing it all. And also the fear of a life not lived.
The ironic thing is that fear of dying actually prevents one from living fully. It causes a push and doesn’t allow us to be present with ourself, the ones we love or the experiences we are having. Always racing to the next experience, next high, next moment, until we die.
The inner dialogue surged on, “So how do I let this go? What would my life look like if I could let go of this fear of death?”
And then the phrase “It’s a good day to die.” came to mind. And I always related that phrase to mean (aside from the movie Diehard or a reference toLakota leader, Crazy Horse) that I was willing to die for a cause. It was a battle cry.
However in this situation it hit me differently. I felt the vibe behind the battle cry speak to me. In order to die for a cause I would have to be prepared or resolved within myself to accept end of my life. And the only way to get there is to completely make peace with everything. In essence tosurrender to it all.
Knowing that if in this moment I was to fall over dead, I would accept that my life had been lived and more importantly to my fearful egoic self that it had purpose.
What was preventing me from being there now?
It was the holding. The holding of what I need to accomplish, what I need to create, who I need to become. All of which will vanish once I die. All my self imposed hard work, struggles, and striving will all fall away as I leave my body.
I was taken back to the moment in my vision quest last year when I could hear the supporters at the camp drumming and chanting and felt life moving on as I sat on the cliff in the distance as an observer to this life drumming on without my presence.
As if I had died and was looking back to the whole of humanity marching forward. It goes on regardless of me. Regardless of my push, regardless of my worry and stress. Regardless of my life. It goes on…
So why would I waste my time stressing and holding onto it all? Why not just let it go on now?
Today is a good day to die. Not to the gift of life pulsing through my heart, but to the holding, controlling, fear driven state of being that perpetually takes me out of living.
I was able to ease my foot off the accelerator of life as this realisation landed. I felt my energy sink back into my body and my breath deepen. I was back in myself instead of striving to survive.
My purpose is to be in my life not to fill my life with busy-ness to manufacture a purpose and justify my existence. Which are all insecurities of the ego.
And if I did die today, I could feel resolved and take with me the vibration of life that I am now flowing with and the love I am experiencing for being a part of it all.
Why push, and struggle if we don’t need to. As I practiced this state of being. I felt more alive than ever before. Too easy..
We need to die today to live life fully.
It’s a good day to die!